Response-bility

"iya gas kamu mau mau punya adek lagi nanti. ini udah 8 bulan. mungkin nanti kamu liburan pas Juni kamu udah liat adek baru..." Ayah,2013.

im completely SHOCKED.
yet finished my responsibility as a child to get a proper education,
ane bakalan dapet adek baru.
it'll be another happy days, i count it.
tapi punya adek dengan selisih 21 tahun itu gak gampang.
tanggung jawab moral pada keluarga jadi lebih besar.

terus terang ae dengan keadaanku sekarang,
aku mek mentok bisa mbiayai adek ku yg paling dekat. sekarang smp.
dad retire around 7-8 years ahead.
5 adik (2 from dads re-marriage and 3 from moms re-marriage).
2 sisters dari ayah yg paling tua baru masuk SMA pas ayah pensiun.
apalgi yang tiga-tiganya laki dari pernikahan ibu.
dan adek terakhir ini baru masuk kuliah pas ayah sudah jadi kakek.

investasi jangka panjang dari orang tua juga udah ada.
sebagai anak tertua dan laki untuk tidak terlibat dalam masadepan adeknya juga kesalahan besar.
dan saya juga sudah punya rencana sendiri buat supporting pembiayaan aktif adek2 untuk sewaktu2.
its not my responsibility. yet it is.
being the oldest of my brother and sisters takes a HUGE upcoming respnsibility.
responsibilty to keep them safe at "home"
responsibility to keep them proud,and
responsibility to keep them running

its better failing aiming high than succeed aiming low, Bill Nicholson said
i had a big plan,it was.
so that i have to re-build that into a bigger, bigger plan ahead.
not a standard aims that makes you whatsocalled lived happily ever after.
i dont want to overshitting ambitions.
my what-to-achieve-notes isnt merely what the best and suits me.
just fulfill the responsibility.
the games restarted into a higher level when you reached something.

Strive

for the buttload of hard times in my life.
for what intensively happen  in an uncountable times.
barking my heads and feets to the shore of bittterness.

you will NEVER guessed what im striving for.
what you see, is just your assumption.
you assume it likes you were right about what you mostly thinking.

i will prove it WRONG.
just you see?
you will see it very clear w your chins heads up.
when you losing a remembrance of  me in a billions step aheads.

Chasing Fire

wow. its been a whole year since my last post.
and i dont know how the catashtropic words seems to overblow my head in a sudden, for a long long times since then.

for someone who told me to chase my fire,
please dont read. i bet you forgot that completely.


its like riding my back to you, afterall.
yeah maybe i felt a lil bit,yeah a clueless moron.


i couldnt find my fire as you told me to.
chasing the fire...isnt as simple as you said to me.


but really, i dont want to wasting my youth
im here not to disappoint myself
you know what begrudge me in the past
to made me choose the hardest part of my life
to revise the whole thing, to rewrite another ambition
to made me left my family, my dream, and my... ah.bleeding me.


yeah i was the forgotten, its not a denial.
a human drowned in a rigid ocean.
drifting the way he lived for , alone.
in a separated way, i put my lights on.
to refuse a shitload of brokenseller,
for a several times in my single breath


i just dont want to hold back,if i could.
there is something i need to disgrace
yeah you know, histories and memories stay remains.
but they has their own way to shown once more,in a different years ahead
its not about a reunite, it IS about to show you what is the fire you said


maybe we lost memories each others,someday
or a punch in our face couldnt help remember
im sure you know
there was a day we set the fire
and chasing it behind our backs.

someday.
yeah,turn the fire off for awhile.
and let times set it again. or not.


the fire,better hiding them for a thousands years ahead.
till we dead with no regret unspoken.